I look at him and see just how cute he is
How child like he still is
How he will sit and eat his food
How he says things
All while glued to his device
And only sometimes does he notice me staring
I can’t help it
It makes me feel like I have to look after him
I want to
Because I care
But he isn’t a child
He is a grown man
He is my boyfriend
And I love him
I’m struggling to get out of bed again.
I’m too numb to cry
I don’t have the energy to even hurt myself or fake the smiles to my family.
I wish I didn’t hate myself.
I guess it’s good people think I’m really happy. Even my best mates. But I’m not. I’m so miserable all the time. I honestly don’t know what the point is. If my depression is always going to be here why bother keeping up this act. I’m always so low but no one sees it. Maybe I should swallow all the paracetamol this time
The thought of suicide is usually always in the back of my mind. It’s always an option to me. But for the past few months I have been pushing the idea of it away. So far it has worked. But since I’ve hurt my leg, and I’m still on crutches it’s gotten harder to push those thoughts away. And now I don’t even bother
Infact I’ve been considering how I could do it. A plan that would work. Where I wouldn’t be caught and stopped.
I’m just exhausted. I don’t see why I should be made to live if I’m unhappy. It’s my life after all. I can’t help but look at my life, the past, present and future and think ‘what’s the point?’ That big question no one has the answer to.
I have tried, I really have. To turn things around and make my life better. The depression stays, it’s moved in, for good it seems.
Yeah it’s been a while.
I have since hurt my leg, so I’m now on crutches. And if I didn’t think my depression could get worse, it did. I hate not being able to walk or run. I miss running, and it seems to have trigger my eating disorder. I’d finally gained some control over it. I wouldn’t over exercise and I’d eat the right foods and got better at resisting my urge to be sick. But now I seem to be going back to my old ways. *sigh*
I’m also so easily angered at the moment. Just someone breathing next to me will annoy me. And the more days that go by where I can’t walk without my crutches. The worse my anger gets. I’d really suggest that my friends stay away until im less full of anger.
I really want a new leg
If I was a horse I recon I’d of been shot and put out of my misery. My leg constantly hurts, even when I’m resting it. But after 4 days it’s a lot less painful now. Thankfully. Otherwise I’d still be crying and swimming in a sea of my own self pity.
I like how people wonder why I don’t talk about my problems. Why I don’t confined in them. Or talk to them about how I’m struggling.
Because every time I go to someone about a problem I’m asked if it might be all in my head or told that it is just in my head. However just telling me it’s in my head and shouldn’t worry about it doesn’t help at all. It makes it worse. I already know a lot of things are all in my head but it doesn’t make it unreal for me. Because it is real for me. And I have to deal with it on my own. If I think someone hates me or is out to get me, i will. Infact you telling me it’s in my head makes it worse. It makes me think that they’re really good at hiding it. And then I start worrying that others may be in on it too. Or I will simply feel crazy.
I can’t express enough to them how bad my pranoia can get. It makes me hide in my room. And I get very on edge and jumpy. To the point where a fly or bee buzzing against my window will make me check that no ones at my window. Or that no one is hiding in my room.
I go through the mantra ‘it’s just in my head and it’s not really happening’ but it doesn’t always work.
But it’d be nice to have some support from my family about my paranoia, it just doesn’t happen sadly.
I’m still very angry and very depressed. The depression is heavyier than the anger at the moment.
I don’t want to talk to my friends or family. Mostly because I don’t trust them, and they can say “you can trust me” all they like, it’s not going to change things. Thanks to my mind, I find it hard to trust, and my thoughts and voices swirl around day and night. It drives me up the walls some times.
I just really dislike everyone at the moment and it’s best to stay away from me when I’m like this. Because I tend to self destruct really well.
Most people already don’t like me so there’s not many people left that do like me, so I really should be careful. However I can’t help but think ‘fuck it’ let them hate me too.
It’s also taking everything in me not to go out and buy a load of food and stuff my face, and then throw it all up. Because it usually makes me feel better…
My life is blue and black
I want it pink and white
The sparkle in my eye has gone
It’s long gone
It’s too far to be saved
But what about yours
You were supposed to reignite my spark
But I’m still dull
Should I stop waiting?
Because it’s fading fast
It’s as blue as the pills I take
It’s okay, I won’t wait. I’ll be more blue than the sea
Last Friday night was fun, it ended badly. But other than the guy who ruined it at the end, it was good.
In the club he was all over me. It was okay at first. Then when we left he was leading me somewhere. I was also rather drunk, so it took me a while to process where he was taking me. Once I realised I said I was going to go home, which he then replied with “nah it’s okay come with me”
And every time I said no he’d tell me to shush and that I should ‘calm down’. His grip on my arm would get tighter and tighter the more I struggled. And by this point we were the only people around, and I felt scared. We were the only two people down a road with houses that had all the lights off. It was my mess and I had to get myself out of it. I’m not sure how but eventually I managed to get him off of me and I ran. I just ran and ran. Then I just walked for ages. I had no idea where I was going but what I knew is that I wanted to get as far away from him as possible.
I ran home and cried. I got home at around 8:30am. Later that day my mum asked if anything bad had happened, if I was okay.
I lied like I usually do and said everything was fine. And nothing bad happened.
My moods are usually always low. But there are these moments where I can be extremely sad. And I cry, and the pain and the sadness gets too overwhelming. And I don’t know what to do.
Sometimes I’ll try reaching out to people but it never goes well. It always goes wrong. Some times I even lose a friend.
And I feel so fucking lonely id say it’s unreal, but it is. It’s very real because that’s how I feel.
I can’t even talk about it in therapy.
I am trying, to make things better. To try to be happy. To be better. So far it’s been nothing but failed attempts.
Did I mention I was sad and lonely?