I really don’t know what to do with myself anymore. 

I’m trying my hardest to love myself or to at least like myself but it’s not working. I can’t express just how much I hate myself. 

And everyday I come close to ending my life, and every time I don’t. I want to die because I’m unhappy but I know killing myself will upset people. So do I live my life being unhappy to keep others happy? Or do I get it over with and upset the ones who love me?

Another thing I do is, I purposely sabotage the good things in my life because I convince myself I deserve nothing and no one. 

Or maybe no one deserves the burden of even knowing me.

Even people who said they loved me a few weeks ago have cut contact with me. 

I saw my nan yesterday who said “can I get you anything? A drink? Food? … a job?” I had never felt so embarrassed. I’m told by my doctors not to get a job because I’m not stable enough. And I listen because I know they’re right. 

I need help I know, but help isn’t working and things really aren’t improving over time. In fact they love gotten slightly worse. 

It’s as if just one too many people hate me. 

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