I feel helpless and alone. 

Yet I have friends and I have family. So what’s the problem you may ask… 

The problem is, I can’t help but get paranoid and start ruining it for myself. I tell myself that they secretly hate me or are using me. I hate how I self destruct, I hate how I see myself in the mirror. I hate how I’ve convinced my self that everyone is against me and that nothing I do is right. 

And no one can tell me the truth, because can anyone ever fully and truly know the ins and outs of another person? If you can, then please, get to know me and tell me who I am. Because I’m not sure I’ll ever know. And it’s slowly killing me. It is chipping away at my soul and mind, and I’m doing it to myself. All by myself. No one else is in my head shouting abuse at me. Sure others have but not at the level and frequency that I do to myself. 

I bully myself. And there are others in my life that I let bully me. I have let people use and abuse me both physically and emotionally. 

So I started abusing myself. Yet most people can’t understand why or how I could possibly do that to myself. But if that’s all I’ve known and experienced how could I not.

So I’ll cut myself. I’ll starve myself. Because I feel like I deserve it. And I’m used to it in a way. Like they say old habits die hard. I started when I was 14 and I’m now 21.

So I’m sorry. I am really sorry if I upset anyone because I don’t confined in you or trust you. And I’m sorry I’m not likeable enough, or that I’m lovable. I am easy to hate and dislike. 

Even I hate me

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2 thoughts on “I’m sorry

  1. Thanks for sharing. Many others have feelings like you, including me. It is often very hard to live with consequences of trauma because nothing is that lonely as your own traumas. Especially when others are unable to explain your feelings in this. Feelings like hate, disgust and how you get the idea people hate you are incorporated and are difficult to understand, but in a way, they even serve you from thinking about the ‘ why’ of this all. In this you have a long road to go. Knowing others have similar experiences has helped me, much in at least understanding how this works and that you are not alone in this. I wish and sincerely hope you find a way to deal and finally overcome this,

    Liked by 1 person

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