Missing you

I seriously hate missing you The more time passes, the worse it gets. 

It’s almost unbearable.

You give very little, but give just enough to keep me hooked.

I feel like a fish on the end of your line. 

It’s almost torture.

I wonder how it feels for you? I wonder if you know what you’re doing to me. I hope you don’t. Because knowing you’re taking pleasure from this might just break me. 

But then at least I’d be free from your grip. 

I can’t decide… What’s worse or better? 

To almost have you but not quite? Or to not have you at all? 

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Woo

I’m in such a happy mood right now! I guess to others it’s strange how on Sunday I almost tried to kill myself and now I’m super happy. But I know it won’t last long, as it never does. But I’m just going to enjoy the happiness whilst I can. 

Yay personality disorder!

Shit

So I’m only a few pills in when I realise how late I am with my period, and I may possibly be pregnant right now. Come to think of it there are a few other signs at the moment too. I guess on Friday I’ll take a test. 

If I am it’s only fair I don’t kill the poor thing in the process of killing my self.

lol I’m sad

I really like this guy, and I have done for months now. But due to certain circumstances we can’t talk a lot. I tried to move on but he was always on my mind… and still is. I miss him yet I don’t feel I deserve to miss him, because I don’t know him as well as I want or should do. The uncertaintiy kills my heart. 

Now I’m not sure what love is exactly but I know how I feel about him. I long for him to like me back. But I won’t know for another 4 months what will happen between us. I worry that I’ve already messed it up. I worry that me pretending to not like him has fucked up any chance I had with him. And by that I mean me being a slut. I can only hope and wish for now. 

I feel like my hearts in limbo and it hurts, so I hate to think what it feels like during heart break.

Today’s feelings

I feel like I’m sexualised a lot. It’s gotten degrading and annoying. Wether I’m talking about how I feel or joking around, (the people who’re sexualising me) quickly change the subject to sex or flirting. I’m sick of it. It makes me feel like it’s all I’m good for. Like the only thing I’m worth is sex and sexual things. I feel like a pretty object on a shelf. So it’s hard to feel more than that. Yet deep down I know I’m more than that. 

Does that stop me playing along tho? Most of the time no. I’ll flirt back and talk the talk, but I no longer walk the walk. I slowly stopped. I never even enjoyed it. I did it to make them happy and almost all the time I feelt like I had to do it just so they left me alone. Now I’m not saying they sexually assaulted me, I’m aware I go along with it. I just wish I’d learnt to say no to them earlier. 

At least I know how to now though. I just wish they’d still stop sexualising me. Maybe one day they’ll learn… isn’t that a funny thought? 

Hm

I feel like a worthless piece of shit 

I also lie a lot, I know most people do. But I hate what I lie about. It makes me hate myself even more. 

I honestly surprised at how long I’ve gone without trying my suicide plan. 

I don’t want to tell anyone that though. And I don’t want help from anyone either.

Another persons take on love 

I’ve been reading and playing games mostly recently. And love pops up a lot. It seems to be hard to hide from. Not that I am hiding from it, but I’m neither seeking it. Like most, I dream of finding that special person, a love. 

But I know it’ll happen when things are right, and the soppy part of me looks forward to it. But I get great happiness from other people’s love. Wether it’s fictional or not. To be honest I get more happiest out of fictional characters finding love. 

An ex of mine talks about how much he wants to find someone to love, how lonely he is. He’s started drinking a lot and getting in fights over little petty things. His desperate longing for love seems to be consuming him. He’s over looking the other loves in his life. Especially the love his family and friends have for him. I’m trying my best to understand why and how someone can be so desperate to find love to the point it destroys them. 

I guess it’s hard when you’ve had a taste of what it’s like, especially if it was strong. And now it’s gone and he wants it back, but it’s not something you can force. 

It’s taken me a little while, but I’m truly happy being single. So when I fall, I know it’ll be a good love. In the way it won’t be me being with someone just for cuddles at night. Or to keep me company for the sake of just not being alone. Or just to say I have a boyfriend. Or because I’m scared of growing older alone. I won’t be forcing myself to love someone. I’ll fall in love in time, for all the right reasons I believe. 

I’m not saying this is how love is or should be, it’s just my take on it. I don’t want to end up like my ex has. And so far I haven’t. I’m happy single but I’m excited for what awaits ahead of me. Even if it never happens, I’ll be fine with it…. I’ll just leach off other people’s lovey dovey happiness.

One lie too many

It’s been roughly a month since I spoke to my dad.

Once again he stood in front of me and lied to my face. And what’s worrying is that if my mother hadn’t been there as a witness, it would’ve been blamed on my paranoia or I would’ve been told I’ve gotten confused as usual. 

But my mother was there and heard him say I couldn’t come on the big family weekend away with him and his side of the family, once again. Because it was adults only… (even tho I’m 22)

Yet all my cousins under the age of 18 were going. And even my 6 year old brother went. 

It’s hard because I know he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He never calls. He never asks to see me. And now I’ve stopped asking and trying to see him, we never meet anymore. 

It feels like he just wants it to be him, his wife and son. 

I imagine he never tells anyone about the other two daughters he has. I feel like I don’t exist in his world. I was a mistake that must be forgotten. 

One time when things got too much for me at home with my mums partner (I couldn’t stand the emotional and sometimes physical abuse). So I called my dad, and asked if I could take him up on that offer he made me on staying with him. He said no. I begged him to say yes, even if it was just for a few nights. He then put his wife on the phone who said the same thing. 

I’ve been trying for years to be a part of his life, it never works and now I’ve had enough. This is the last time I let him lie to me.

He isn’t a father to me. I just hope he gets it right with my little brother 

Love in a particular moment

I look at him and see just how cute he is 
How child like he still is 

How he will sit and eat his food 

How he says things 

All while glued to his device 

And only sometimes does he notice me staring 

I can’t help it 

It makes me feel like I have to look after him 

I want to 

Because I care 

But he isn’t a child

He is a grown man 

He is my boyfriend 

And I love him